thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize