Where did you get a picture of my penis
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We need to get me chipped asap
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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