I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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