made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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