I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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