I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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