If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
