Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
