I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize