now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
