I cut my penus on the lid.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
