Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
