also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
