Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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