Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
