I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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