Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
