Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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