Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
