my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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