smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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