oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
