I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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