I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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