Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My dick has a subreddit
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
