Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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