That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
