Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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