and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
