my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
