Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
