Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think my moral compass just broke
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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