Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
