so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
