Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
