You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
