theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
But we have bathrooms and they dont
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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