I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
