My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think I sprained my soul last night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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