drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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