I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
