Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
