just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
