Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
