White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
