im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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