three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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