I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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