ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
