sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
