the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
