All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Your tits are I can't wait for
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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