david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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