If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
