when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
