You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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