Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
