I'm so fucking centered right now
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
